Two Selves

My Internal, Eternal Battle

I want to be a healthier, more-stable person. I don't know if such a Herculean task is possible, but my desire for a unified, positive self haunts me every waking moment. As an exercise in exorcising this internal conflict demon, I decided to order my thoughts on paper.

I am conflicted by two opposing paradigms, two selves which cannot be fused.

The anti-hero self believes nothing can be done since it lives in an era of civilizational decay and sees passive evil in everything, so it should just detach and seek simple pleasures while the world burns. The classic hero self wants to build, network, and crusade in hopes of making a difference against the ever-present evil of the era, eschewing simple pleasures in pursuit of righteousness and duty.

Every week I read about what's happening in the world, and both selves are nourished. Both selves are given reason to be right, and both feel vindicated in their beliefs.

The anti-hero self sees the great evils of the people, the country, and the world it belongs to as unchangeable as the weather, thusly it wants to focus on gaming, having enough material wealth to live comfortably before death, and seeks to absolve itself from any ethical, tribal connections to people, country, and world. It wants to exist in a world of its own creation - a private microcosm to enjoy what experiences can be had with a handful of friends and family who share the microcosm. In that pursuit, it will be a hero in its own story despite the storm of reality surrounding it.

The classic hero self sees the same great evils but feels compelled to fight them. It hungers to stop the evil harming the people, the country, and the world to which it belongs. It believes the anti-hero paradigm is cowardice and a product of the evils corrupting its civilization. It believes the way to fight said evils is by influencing others to embrace heroism, face the darkness together, and build what is necessary to not only weather the storm, but help lay the social foundation for what will hopefully one day grow from the carcass of the soulless empire.

I believe my original self, my spirit, is that of the classic hero, specifically that of the warrior hero. The men in my family have bled and died for every war this cursed country has ever had. I was raised by true Appalachians - men of God and men of survival. The anti-hero self did not emerge until early adulthood; a product of learning the world outside of where I grew up had a terminal case civilizational cancer paired with discovering any attempt to act heroically against the cancer delivered harsh punishment.

I spent the first decade of my adult life with the anti-hero in the driver seat. I indulged in what society recommended: fornication, drugs, video games, television, sportball, university, meaningless jobs, and seeking a life partner based on a Venn diagram of the lot. Unsurprisingly, this lead me nearly to ruin, both financially and emotionally. I became jaded, spiteful, and hostile to everything. In hindsight, it's because I was living against my biospiritual nature; against how I was raised and what I knew was right.

The next decade of my adulthood, I attempted to bring the old into the new. I recall thinking to myself just before I turned 30, "I made my degenerate bed and now I'll sleep in it". The activities, friends, lovers, and associates I cultivated as a young adult were not palatable to the classic hero self, so changes had to be made. I began severing connection to those I believed were agents of evil and pursuing those who were like me; intelligent 'people of the world' who aspired to something more traditional, more moral, than what society was selling.

That too failed.

I spent nearly all of my 30s building with people who weren't worthy, or in some cases even capable, of what I wanted to build. The people I befriended along the way I either misjudged or they changed, so I lost them. The career, social activities, and family I started all fell apart due to the sociopolitical maelstrom of the 2010s. My growing conflict of the two selves played no small part in my final separation from the family I started far away from Appalachia, as towards the end of this period I came to despise not only myself but those in my personal life for being products of lies, propaganda, and deracination.

I am now in my 40s and have little left. I moved back to where I belong in rural Appalachia. I have a quality life partner, a man I call my husband. He was a dear friend in the long ago, who became more than that along the way and has become the most important person in my life. I have a good mother, a small cluster of quality family members, and a meager, stable life put together for myself. I am surrounded by genuine family, a safe community of ethnically and culturally aligned folk, and have every reason to be content, but...

I cannot let it go. I refuse to let go of what I've seen, what I've learned. After discovering the severity of corruption in every social institution, I am driven as if by divine mandate to do something about it. Whether it be the lies about history, the decay of the church, the subversion in media, or the facade of ‘democracy’, I am compelled to speak against it. I feel as if God himself works through me every time I stand firm against the lies and subversion. Despite the folk here being mostly religious, my righteous indignation has a negative effect on my personal relationships.

When the heroic self is in the driver seat, I feel correctly aligned and energized. I feel I'm doing what is best for my folk, my country, and my world. To my dismay, I frustrate and sometimes intimidate my loved ones when I am this self. They do not like me when I am this self, and they express their wishes for me to embrace the anti-hero self. They want me to forget about problems that are 'too big' or 'in God's hands'. They want me to only care about shallow things like gaming, local gossip, and insipid TV shows or podcasts.

Whether they are this way out of fear and ignorance or have come to embrace 'simple pleasures' as their pinnacle of fulfillment from a more introspective approach, I don't know. What I do know is this traps me in a heart-breaking conundrum.

The heroic self makes me feel correct; that I'm doing 'God's work' so to speak. I cherish my folk and the pristine Appalachian community I live in, and I wish to inspire the people here to defend and propagate such a lovely heritage. However, the heroic self pushes away my loved ones and alienates me from the few friends I have left, which of course makes the anti-hero self rise up and vie for the captain's chair.

I desperately want a fulfilling life surrounded by loved ones, strong community, and friends, but it seems I am deprived of having the entire ensemble. I must forsake fulfillment for loved ones, or I must forsake loved ones for fulfillment.

If I had a salve for this ailment I would share it. If I knew a remedy for this ache I would publish the recipe.

What I do have is a heavy, troubled mind and an undying love for my folk, my country, and my world.